I wrote this blog last year, but because other things happened I didn’t get round to posting it.
Look out for a post from my fortnightly (fingers crossed).
So here it is:
I ain’t afraid of no ghost…just maybe everything else
I’m writing this blog from a place I never thought I’d be. Not just in terms of location but in terms of presence too.
I’m sat up in bed, at a undisclosed location. It’s the stuff of dreams. My dreams. I’ve only ever been sent a few pictures of this place, but actually being here. It’s the ultimate aspirational goal. Few know where I am, as requested, as I never want to be the person that ruins someone else’s dream. I promised to be private, discrete and trustworthy. All conditions for an invitation here.
As I have been trusted I thought I’d trust you all. I wanted to talk about fears. Yours, mine and everyone’s.
I recently watched Special Forces - Ultimate Hell Week on BBC iplayer, undoubtedly the best app around closely followed by GQ and Wired (thank you Conde Naste). Aside from the massive physical perseverance needed, the mental strength they had to show was immense. I watched it in complete awe and amazement. The one thing that stood out and you saw this in the final was fear. Those who admitted being afraid and pushed through made it. Those who, faked confidence, put on a poker face or just plain lied didn’t.
It got me thinking. I’ve been afraid my whole life. When I was younger I had nightmares about losing my parents, as I got older it was was fear of failure and now it’s so many things. Dying alone. Never being happy. Not falling in love again. Never being with the one I love. Not having the life I want. Crowds. Market places. Thinking I’ve wasted the last 31 years of my life. Just a few off the top of my head. More seem to manifest daily.
As I sit here I realise non of those things have stopped me getting up every morning. They physically can’t because I won’t let them. Yes, I’ll freak out occasionally. I’ve cried myself to sleep a few times. But I haven’t stopped. You shouldn’t either.
I live with two of my best friends. To look at them you couldn’t see all the things they have been through in their lives. They won’t hide it though. They just don’t focus on them. Yes they use cynicism, swearing and one deflects better than a mirror but they are both fighters in their own ways. I learn so much from them and they don’t even realise it.
So I have to go now. I have a growing list of fears I need to address. One step at a time.
I’m Jean-Junior and oh boy do I have issues.