Perspective hit home the other day.
I can thank the one person in my life who never doubts me.
I love this person.
The person I’m referring to is my mum. I’m not going to sit here and telling you how amazing my mum is. Everyone feels that way about their own.
I’m not perfect. Mum knows that.
The last few weeks/ months, I’ve been struggling in general. I always think the best way to handle my problems is on my own. This shouldn’t be the case. When it comes to my demons, I should never be left alone. (You can find out all about my gremlins here -http://jnrspeaks.tumblr.com/post/84147946153/untitled). I was giving up on my dreams, I don’t have many, they aren’t big and fancy but they are mine.
There is one thing I’ve never done and that’s proactively talk to my mum. I won’t be making that mistake anymore. I recently just gave her an insight into my ‘issues’ and the response she gave me was, and I don’t say this lightly, incredible.
We haven’t always had the best relationship my mum and I. No one is at fault for this. As her child I realise I have to make the move to her. She has four of us. She ran a house with five children. I’m putting dad down as one of the kids. She looks after him as much as she does my siblings and I. Yes I’m gushing inappropriately.
I won’t go into detail but in the space of 10 minutes my mum found my spark, that piece of you that makes you, dwindling in the darkness. She gave it some oxygen and reignited it. I found my place in the darkness, just me and a peck of light.
She left me there. She didn’t take my hand and lead me into the light. My mum knows me better than that. She knows that I can’t be led. I’m too stubborn and proud to be led. She knows. After we spoke I lay there. All stresses slowly melting away.
I went to bed with nothing on my mind. A rare state of mind and awoke after a restless night.
The flame was gone I didn’t feel the spark. In its place fire burnt bright. I was reinvigorated, more determined and resolute. I’ve had pep talks before. I’ve got up and dusted myself off after a bad day, week or month. This was nothing like that. There was no false smile, no “I’m ok” as I pieced myself back together in the background. I stood strong and firm. Defiant. I was me.
My mum gave me life. She claims that title. She doesn’t have to remind the world of that! She will if she has too! I’m a proud leo and my mum is the ultimate lioness. She fights for her pride. She protects us all. She always will. She learnt this from her mother, the reigning queen my grand mother, Mamie.
I hope I have inherited some of that strength. I know my sister has. I see her with my nephew.
I’ll never know motherhood. I hope to know fatherhood. If I don’t I know how to care for others, I know how to light that spark in others and I know how to love unconditionally. I have the best teacher.
Why I waited so long to speak to my mum I will never know. I won’t do that again.
This ones for my mum, the mums I know and all the women in my life.
Who runs the world…